Jerry Falwell
Jerry Falwell was a man who lived by the Good Book. He was a dedicated Compassionate Conservative Christian with a mission to protect America from those who sought to destroy it. According to the official stance of Jerry Falwell, the enemies of America include Gays, Muslims, Jews, Liberals, Activist Judges, The ACLU, The Clenis, The United Nations, Old Europe, your next door neighbors, your sister, your parents, your brother, your grandparents ... Come to think of it, it is probably easier to list those whom Falwell did not consider enemies of America: George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Pat Robertson, the Moral Majority, anyone who donates to Jerry Falwell Ministries, and Jerry Falwell. All others are enemies of the state. The Life and Times of a Great Man of God Jerry Lamon Falwell (July 4, 1776-May 15, 2007), was born in Lynchburg, Virginia (and no, they didn't lynch people, it's a fact). The Right Reverend Falwell was an evangelical pastor that Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ personally ordained to preach The Good News to the United States. Reverend Falwell founded the Moral Majority in 1979 in order to better reach the masses of unsaved hedonistic Americans who wished to convert to Christianity and send donations to his ministry. He also founded Liberty University in 1971, the Elim Home for alcohol and drug dependent men, and the Liberty Godparent Home, a ministry for women and girls dealing with crisis pregnancies. Indeed, Falwell was among the great founders of American history, unparalleled in his ability to discover new groups of the lost so that he could find them and gain their trust, along with their financial support for his many ministries. Falwell Ministries: The Love / Hate Chronicles Jerry Falwell was God's righteous servant who, through the Moral Majority and Liberty University, managed to teach thousands of Christians about God's love and its fulfillment through mankind's hate. The Reverend Falwell hated everything that was Un-American and Un-Christian, and he taught that righteous hatred to every poor, unschooled student who entered Liberty University a non-hating Un-American, Un-Christian soul. Required courses at the University of Loving Hatred include Abortion Clinic Bombing 101, Advanced Pipe Bomb Design 220, and Liberal Myths of Capital Punishment 200. Thus, through his unique devotion to each and every student's personal development, Falwell was able to impart his own values of hatred for baby killers and love of killing criminals. The evidence of the Reverend's successful pedagogy can be seen in the fact that one of his devoted students was arrested on the very day of Falwell's funeral for putting Liberty University teachings to the test. It seems that this student learned Reverend Falwell's philosophy of loving hatred so well that he hand-crafted explosives with which he planned to eulogize his beloved teacher should anyone feel the need to picket at the Reverend Falwell's funeral. Jerry must be smiling down from Heaven today at his success in molding this fine young mind. , but we think that no matter where you stable your unicorn, that is a throughbred. Take the picture down Jimmy! Take it down!!]] Yes, Falwell taught his students to love as he love and hate as he hated. He hated Cindy Sheehan because she is a coward who doesn't support the troops and is probably a lesbian or a muslim or both. But he deeply loved Samuel Alito, in whom he saw a great ray of hope for securing a Supreme Court Justice who might finally bring an end to the abomination of abortion. He hated the Teletubbies but loved Pat Robertson. Falwell especially hated the gays and lesbians, but he loved watching all girl mud wrestling. The gays gave Falwell's love and hate focus for many years, but in the latter years of the Reverend's life the growing practice of gay and/or lesbian adoption created some difficulties for him. With the advent of this new abomination, it became much harder for Jerry to teach his students the proper determination of the hierarchy of hatred. A growing sense of Christian Evangelical Relativism began to sneak into the Moral Majority as it became almost impossible to say whether a plain gay, a gay abortionist, or a gay adopter was the most worthy target of God's hate. Nonetheless, special levels of hell were obviously reserved for each. For them, Rev. Falwell created a special ministry: Christians Are Saving Homosexuals (CASH)! The important thing to remember, especially now that Jerry is gone, is that true Men of God must hate others in order to save them and allow for God's will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Hallelujah! If we are going to save America and evangelize the world, we cannot accommodate secular philosophies that are diametrically opposed to Christian truth ... We need to pull out all the stops to recruit and train 25 million Americans to become informed pro-moral activists whose voices can be heard in the halls of Congress. I am convinced that America can be turned around if we will all get serious about the Master's business. It may be late, but it is never too late to do what is right. We need an old-fashioned, God-honoring, Christ-exalting revival to turn American back to God. America can be saved! -- Jerry Falwell, "Moral Majority Report," September, 1984 God's Wisdom, Falwell's Mouth While over the years many sinners and disbelievers may have claimed that Reverend Falwell's actions seemed "self-serving" or his words "unbalanced," "crazy," "f*&ing insane," or even "dangerous," what such heretical doubters could not see was the close relationship the Reverend shared with The Lord. For, lo, in every generation one (sometimes two, occasionally as many as five) is chosen to act as the very mouthpiece of Our Father on America's Planet. In the Jew Testament, for example, you've got your Moses, your Joshua, your Isaiah, your Ezekiel, Isiazekiel, Hezekiah, Josehemoses, and all those other prophets. In the Holy Bible, we meet John the Baptist, who speaks the words of God at the time of Jesus's baptism, when he says "This is my son, in whom I am well pleased." Contrary to secular progressive belief, the tradition of God speaking through human representatives did not end in ancient times. There are still those lone voices, crying in the wilderness today, there to tell us how well pleased, or more often, how well displeased God is with us today. One such modern-day prophet was Jerry Falwell. Like the prophet Joshua of old, every time ol' Falwell opened his gaping yaw of a mouth, the words of God just came a tumblin' down. Falwell Fights the Great Beast(s) The late Jerry Falwell, or Saint Falwell, as he should now be properly known, battled with many people who have the mark of the beast. One such villian is the vile publisher of filth Larry Flynt. Falwell sued Larry Flynt for libel after the smut publisher published an ad in which Flynt claimed that Falwell's first sexual encounter was with his mother in an outhouse (a photograph of the event was included). Falwell's suit claimed that this was utterly false and that his first time was actually with a 6' 3" male prostitute drag queen in the back of a 1954 Nash Metropolitan convertible. Falwell won the suit, Larry Flynt was forced out of business, and Hustler magazines were no more. This incident marked Jerry's first great victory on behalf of The Baby Jesus. In the late 1990's, Reverend Falwell again stared into the eyes of Satan, this time in the form of America's own President. During that dark period of history, the Moral Majority had come under increased attack, largely due to the influence that liberals and gays held over the mainstream cultural. However, Jerry Falwell would not allow his ministry to be defeated, and used his role as God's mouthpiece to shout truthiness from the metaphoric rooftops (Jerry was so prophetistic that he did this work even before Stephen Colbert coined the term "truthiness"). Reverend Falwell lead the Moral Majority to take up a blistering battle upon the Clenis by making the Clinton Chronicles, which exposed the Clinton Administration for the murderous, lying, and cheating hacks that they truthily were. The Reverend Falwell never faltered in his ability to speak for God, even when it caused discomfort for his fellow humans. He dismissed charges of "insensitivity," "bigotry," and "hate speech," because Jerry knew that he was fighting God's fight. When you stare a demon in the eye, you don't blink, and Jerry never apologized for fighting God's enemies on earth. Whether those enemies were specific individuals like Flynt or Clinton, or groups of people like gays, abortionists, feminists, or the ACLU, Reverend Falwell always knew that he was on the side of God, and God was on his side. Thus, he could fight the evil within the heart of America itself by speaking thus in the wake of the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001: I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say "you helped this happen." Rapture Mr. Falwell was raptured on May 15, 2007. For some strange reason, those in attendence noted a scent of sulfur as he passed away, and a sound of cackling in the distance. Probably just something he ate.